Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Wed Dec 14, 2005 at 06:15:51 am EST
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Strong Suit Interlude: HERPES Complex
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Strong Suit: Interlude


HERPES Complex


Mr. Epitome seized the leg of the lumbering H-101 Combat Walker and twisted. The limb tore free from its socket, causing the machine to stagger. As the pilots attempted to regain the unit’s balance Epitome thrust the strut through the cockpit. The vehicle tipped and fell onto an onrushing crowd of H-303 Hussar Swift Jumpers. Those machines that managed to avoid the crash trained their machine guns on the Paragon of Power. He cut across the beach at super-speed, dodging most of the barrage. The few bullets that hit bounced off his skin. Tearing off another limb from the downed Walker, Epitome used it to swat down the bounding harriers.

There was a thunderous boom from further up the coastline. The main cannon from one of HERPES’s War Tank fired its payload. The Man of Might leapt clear of the explosion, crashing down on the vehicle’s turret. He ripped through the osmium steel armor and disappeared from view.

A squad of H-071A Gunships rose up from the other side of the cliffs. Their leader scanned the smoldering battlefield for their target.

“The tank! Target the tank!” he shouted.

Epitome popped up from the ruined machine with an armful of radium-tipped shells. He then did his best impersonation of Johnny Unitas and began chucking them with pinpoint accuracy.

The shrapnel from the exploded Gunships fell on the HERPES infantry that charged to stop the Star Spangled Splendor from getting any closer to their base’s entrance at the foot of the cliffs. From his perch atop the tank Epitome stared down the horde.

“Fire, you fools!!” the watch commander screamed over their headsets.

Epitome blocked the particle cannons with a plate from the tank and then dropped down onto his attackers. With a flurry of punches he began to smack the HERPES agents across the island’s topography.

Hansel Fokker stared dispassionately at the carnage on the command center’s viewscreen, “How many available troops are in reserve, Kaptain?”

“Uh, we are readying a detachment of Drednots. They will be entering the field in approximately two minutes.”

The distaff Fokker sipped at her crème’ de menthe, “I don’t think you have that much time,” Greta accurately guessed.

“Indeed. To the submarine bay, then?” the regal looking blonde made some notes in his Blackberry before holding up the white ermine stole for his sister to slip into.

“You’re… you’re leaving?!” the watch commander quailed.

“Such a stupid question,” Greta hissed as she linked arms with Hansel.

“Yes, Kaptain Nofferler, my sister and I won’t be staying to witness the outcome of this battle. It should be an impressive display, though: we have every confidence in your ability to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Oh, and Hail HERPES,” Hansel said over his shoulder as the pair retreated to the elevator.

“Yes,” Kaptain Nofferler agreed weakly, “Hail HERPES.”

*****


The last of the Drednots was embedded into the cliffside with sufficient force to scramble its internal circuitry. Epitome strode up to the twenty foot high bunker doors and took hold of one by the base. The Man of Might strained to lift it. There was the awful sound of steel scraping against stone, and the gate inched open.

More HERPES agents waited for him. These were the dregs of the group, and they seemed to know it.

“D-don’t take another step,” one warned the costumed fighter.

“Oh, God! That’s blood!” another pointed out the stains on Epitome’s gauntlets.

Dominic didn’t waste anymore time with them. He barreled down the corridor, using his enhanced senses to find the quickest route to the mission objective.

The Exemplary Man smashed through the lab’s reinforced concrete wall and took down the technicians unlucky enough to be on duty. Then he ripped the top off the heavy lead storage cabinet and withdrew a test tube. His magnified vision let Dominic observe its contents.

“Your majesty,” he announced facetiously, knowing full well the infinitesimal organism paddling within could not understand him.

UUUUUUUkulele, Princess of the Sea Monkeys, stared up at the smear that now encompassed her field of vision. It was a smear of a different color, which opened up all sorts of possibilities.

*****


“Your majesty,” Mr. Epitome repeated to her later, by methods UUUUUUUkulele could understand.

The aquatic aristocrat breached the surface of the pool the Paradopolis Hilton had prepared especially for her stay, now that she had adopted a size that allowed her to be better seen and heard, “You speak Sea Monkey?”

“Yes. I was taught it by the people who helped in your rescue,” Dominic replied.

“This… Panser Institute,” UUUUUUUkulele gestured at the complimentary basket of soaps and sponges that bore the Washington think tank’s name. The man in the bright combat gear wasn’t the only one who was multi-lingual.

“Yes, it was they who informed me that you had been captured by HERPES.”

“Yes,” the noble Nereid thought back to that day in the Sargasso when she and her retainers had been ambushed by the men in the deep green diving suits, “What was it they wanted? Ransom?”

“Of a sort, milady. HERPES offered you to various petrochemical companies as a bargaining chip for negotiating drilling rights with the current Sea Monkey regime.”

“I see, and what do you and your masters want from me, hmmm?” UUUUUUUkulele’s features took on an expectant cast.

“We did not rescue you for any hidden purpose. And, I suppose, to avoid possible conflicts with your people.”

“Yes, the regent can be quite severe when his subjects are threatened. You recall the time he clogged up all the effluvium removal units on your Eastern Seaboard?”

“Not first-hand.”

“Then you were lucky,” UUUUUUUkulele reached out to snack on a bucket of lobster tails that had been brought to her, “What is your name, again?”

“Mr. Epitome, milady.”

“Mr. Epitome, the Kingdom of the Sea Monkeys thanks you for saving their favored daughter from your fellow top-worlders. You shall be greatly rewarded. Perhaps the regent will bestow upon you the honor of the Alabaster Periwinkle.”

“That would be an honor. Thank you,” Dominic made an almost imperceptible bow of his head, “Now, Princess, if there is nothing more, I must take my leave.”

“Of course. You may go,” UUUUUUkulele decreed and then dove down to the bottom of her quarters.

*****


“’Atta boy,” Aldrich Grey approved of what he saw on the surveillance video. He turned to the man in the dark brown suit who sat to his right, “He really sold that whole knight in shining armor crap.”

Rex Regent nodded noncommittally, “Our kinestheseologists don’t have a great deal of experience reading the body language of Sea Monkeys, but their evaluations are hopeful. Princess UUUUUUUUkulele does seem to view our efforts to secure her freedom in an extremely positive light. If we cultivate that gratitude we may have a key ally in the Sea Monkey Royal Family.”

“Think bigger, Rex: look into setting that freak up as the sovereign ruler of Atlantis. How does that sound, Monty? ZOXXON would have the inside track on undersea drilling rights.”

From his position further down the table Montiver Hole spoke, “We’ve made some contacts with some anti-Banjoooooo! advocates in the Sea Monkey intelligentsia. They might be willing to start making some noise, if conditions are right.”

“Who’s the one that keeps trying to take over Atlantis?” the Grey Eminence demanded, “The guy with the floppy ears.”

“Ahtumor the Warlord, sir. And that’s a helmet.”

“I don’t care. Just see how much cash it would take to get him to stir things up,” the old man gave Hole a snaggle-toothed grin, “See, Monty, this is how you deal with the weirdoes. With your checkbook.”

The embattled CEO of the world’s largest petrochemical company said nothing. But Grey wasn’t finished.

“What you don’t do, is start acting like some dumbass James Bond villain and team-up with them. Because look where it gets you: multiple indictments for treason while that fat Kraut Von Zemo is walking free and clear. The only reason you’re not locked up now is we got to a judge.”

“My lawyers will get those charges dismissed before the end of the year,” Hole claimed with some petulance.

“You better hope so, Monty: you’re no good to the Company in prison.”

Harry Flask spoke up, “Grey, you’re wasting time and breath lecturing. And, to be blunt, you’re in no position to browbeat any of us.”

Both the Grey Eminence and his second glared at the massive master of Gothametropolis York, “What’s that mean?” Grey asked.

Obadiah Blott of Turrets Incorporated replied, “The Board is considering a change in Leadership. We feel you’re not fully envisioning the opportunities SR1066 affords us.”

“It’s a chance to control the superhumans once and for all,” Roni Y. Avis exposited.

Flask continued to list the Group’s concerns, “You refused to endorse putting Exemplary in charge of SPUD. You’ve blocked our efforts to allow new members to buy into the Company. And, of course, the most damning charge: your loss of Epitome.”

“We didn’t lose him,” Regent challenged, “Clancy still works for us. He just doesn’t know it.”

“Epitome can’t be trusted,” Stewart Swivel of Swivel Broadcasting shot back, “The man quit OPS and ran off to join the friggin’ Lair Legion!”

Flask nodded, “The very people who pose the greatest threat to us.”

Reverend Larry Dropov of the Proper Preponderance snorted, “I hear Epitome is consorting with that green hologram! Sleeping with it! Outrageous!”

Montiver Hole, sensing a definite paradigm shift at the table, smirked at Grey, “What do you have to say for yourself, Aldrich?”

There was much Aldrich wanted to say. How he had been serving America for longer than most of these men had been alive and that it was because of his and others’ efforts that they were able to live in such obscene luxury. That they were all nothing more than traitors with their acquiescence to the Parody Master’s demands, and if he could he’d put every last one of them in front of a firing squad. He wanted to counter the other charges: Exemplary was a psychopath, and worse, a mercenary. The new recruits Flask had referenced were not interested in serving the Cause. They didn’t need a Japanese gangland moll or the head of a cult of hedonists with a fetish for the trappings of Old World royalty. Aldrich would have said it too, if the last observation Flask made hadn’t been true.

He had lost Dominic.

Aldrich Grey’s eyes narrowed, “There are measures in the Charter to replace me. We can have the vote right now.”

“We don’t want that,” Blott said consolingly, “You’ve been fighting the good fight forever. Hell, you help found the Company. You ousted Salvage when he went mental.”

“Just be a little more open minded,” Swivel entreated the ultra-nationalist.

“Yes. It’s not too late for a dog to learn some new tricks,” Hole oozed.

The Grey Eminence gave a snort and a reluctant nod.

You think that, Monty. Truth is, I ain’t done schooling you on my old ones yet.



*****


“Hello, Hallie,” Dominic Clancy said aloud in the empty foyer to the Lair Mansion. He well knew that the computerized intelligence would be monitoring the home’s security system.

There was a burst of emerald energy and the young woman appeared, “Hello,” she paused before adding, “Caught your webcast earlier. You’ve been busy.”

“Yes,” Dominic agreed happily. To Hallie’s added surprise he cupped her chin in his gauntleted hand and kissed her. It was brief, but carried a significant charge for both participants.

“Um, sorry,” she apologized to the big man after the current finished its arc through him, “Heh, you surprised me there.”

The Paragon of Power tugged on his lip and considered, “I liked it.”

“Yes, well,” Hallie blushed, “How’s Princess UUUUUkulele?”

“Fine. The Panser Institute has set her up at the Paradopolis Hilton.”

“Sir Mumphrey and the Librarian want to speak with her.”

“They can call and make an appointment then,” Dominic noted Hallie’s unease, “We’re not the woman’s keepers, you know. And we’re not holding her against her will.”

“It’s just… odd, that you didn’t involve the Legion in this.”

“Didn’t need them,” Epitome shrugged good-naturedly.

“I noticed. MNN is showing some amateur video footage of the fight. It was impressive.”

“Thanks,” Dominic pulled off his gloves and undid the chin strap to his cowl, “What’s so funny?”

Hallie grinned at the visual provided when Epitome removed his mask and revealed his static-charged hair, “Nothing. So, how do you plan on celebrating your big victory?”

“I don’t know. Do you feel like going out?”

“Hm,” she reached up to try and pat Dominic’s coif back to some semblance of normalcy, “Some of the others are talking about trying a Moroccan place Dancer found.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“You don’t know who’s going yet,” Hallie observed.

Dominic understood the insinuation, “I promise to be on my best behavior. No talking politics. No throwing bowling balls.”

“You really are in a good mood.”

“Is that such a surprise? I just crushed an army of terrorist Nazis single-handedly. How would you feel if you just gave so deserving a group such a thorough and unqualified beatdown?”

It was an excellent point. Maybe it was time for Hallie to relax and savor the opportunities to see Dominic with an almost goofy grin and eat out with all her friends, “I’m going to go suit up. See you in a few minutes.”

Hallie vanished. The Exemplary Man left to change by more conventional means.






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